Choices

But Dear Friend,
I beg of you, think of it this way:

Imagine someone burned themselves on a stove and came to you for help. They told you about the pain while you wrapped blisters in bandages and held ice to raw skin. You tell them that you understand, that you too have placed your hand somewhere you thought was safe. But before the skin could heal, they came back to you with more blisters and laughed as they said, "It was that dumb stove again." But then two times turns into 3 and 3 into 4. And every time they tell you it was that damn stove again. But you would not look at them and say, "How dare that stove be hot! How dare it do as it has always done and not cool to your touch!" Because, yes, the stove is hot. It causes pain. It might even leave a scar. But there is only one way it can burn you. Only one way it can reopen old wounds.

And that, my sweet friend, is why hope you hear me when I say there comes a time when you have to stop touching the stove.

Life's a tangled web...

You know. Life is pretty weird sometimes.

One moment your living in Los Angeles praying for the moment you turn 21 so you can stop feeling so young, and the next youre begging to be 15 again when you're best friend gets engaged on a Tuesday night 3000 miles away from you. Sometimes you cry because you weren't there to be a part of that moment. Sometimes you smile knowing all of the memories to come.
Then You're begging for your internship to be over because you can't possibly spend one more hour logging videos of teenage cheerleaders, and the next your prying yourself out the front door because you can't believe you ever got to be a part of such an incredible place. Or that those cheerleaders could be so welcoming and warm in person.

Another moment you're wondering why you ever decided to take the first internship in the first place and the next your standing front and center watching one of your favorite bands play a sold out show for free. And then you get to write about it. As your job!

And before you know it, You're wishing for home and the next second you don't know how you'll survive without the California sunshine. Or the sea salt air of Santa Monica and the whispers of Runyon Canyon.

Then you're ready to leave, but your heart already misses all that this place could be.

And I have no idea what it all looks like from here. But I know I'm feeling inspired again. I wrote a poem tonight that struck me so hard I sat on the bathroom floor until it came flooding out of me like a river that had too long been told it couldn't flow. It was brutal and raw and it came out of no where, but was the most honest piece I've written in months. It talked about pieces of me I have only peeked into. And it helped me see that sometimes you have to let yourself fall apart so you can put the pieces back together exactly how you've always wanted them to be.

So maybe one by one, I'll let the pieces fall so that the light may shine through them again, and I'll build a mosaic out of ones that shine the brightest.

I'll build it strong and I'll build it beautiful. And I'll call it "Me"

a little west coast and a bit of sunshine

do you know what its like to finally feel free? to feel like nothing can touch you but the sand of a california beach or the chill of the pacific ocean?

i can't remember the last time i felt so safe, so light, so free.

today my friends and i blared old pop songs as we drove down the interstate towards Santa Monica

I ran screaming toward the ocean

I walked miles around a mall with sandy feet

I wore sandals and a tank top in January

And my heart sang all day long

there were moments during the day i just caught myself smiling because i can't believe this is really my life.

if you went back and told 13 year old me she would be living in los angeles in 7 years she would have never believed you. but she would be so proud.

everything about this place is perfect. I feel so free it's taking everything in me to not scream from the rooftops.

i guess ill have to save that part for the top of the hollywood sign ;)

farewell december… the good, the bad, and the lessons i learned

Today is the last day of the hardest year of my life, and to say I'm not ready for it to be over would be a lie.

This post is usually a celebratory one where I'm proud to show off my accomplishments from the year and the progress I made on my new years resolutions. And while it may turn out to be that later, i can't say my spirit is the same as the past few years. 

In the most honest way to say it, this year has wrecked me. I experienced true undeniable heartbreak for the first time in my life. And not the romantic relationship ending kind. The kind when a piece of information rips of the veil  like a bandaid and you see everything you've ignored come crumbling down. The kind that makes you question every part of who you are and what you believe. The kind that makes you realize that you were never really as grown up as you thought. And I'm still picking up the pieces everyday. Hoping someday the light will shine through it like a stained glass window.

This year has pushed me. I turned 20. I moved into my own house and lived by myself for 2 months 300 miles away from everyone and everything that made me feel comfortable. I took 3 classes and learned to fall in love with the silence i broke only on the nights i tried to reattach the broken pieces. I had the hardest semester of my school career and cried over spanish more than anything else.  I went to therapy twice a week where surface level wasn't an option and i swam in the depths of my self and found tunnels and caves that connected it all. 

And this year, boy has it scared me. I went blind in one eye before hearing the words "oncologists" and "neurosurgeon." I heard "the mass in your brain stem" more times than anyone should ever hear. I cried in my moms arms in a hospital bed. I looked her in the eyes and said "I'm not ready." I cried over the thought of having to shave my head, that i was selfish to care about something so irrelevant. Even after I left the hospital with a full head of hair, i was scared knowing i still carry "Brain" with me everyday.

But this year more than anything, taught me.

It taught me that you can't chose your family. That peace is not the absence of chaos, but the belief that God has not left you. That your plan will never look the way you want it to, and sometimes people surprise you. That living on my own was the best thing for me, and wounds must hurt in order to heal. That home isn't a place, its a feeling, and family isn't bonded by blood, but by heart, mind, and putting up with your best friends' shenanigans. That forgiveness takes time, and sometimes lots of it. 

But most importantly, it has taught me that God will strip away everything you use to define yourself, your family, your friends, your city, your health, your education, just to show you the only thing you are is His. And that being His is all you will ever need. 

This year, God stripped everything away from me, but i saw myself for the first time. 

I wasn't the caretaker. I wasn't my GPA. I wasn't a diagnosis. 

I am Parker.  

I am broken but I am healing.

I am a writer and a thinker.  

I grew up too fast

But held on to cartoons and boy bands.

I am an Ellen super fan,

and I hate all things sports.

I'm a little bit feminist, 

and a dash of Conservative, 

But most of all i am a daughter of the King.

And he will never leave me.

Despite its hardships, this year brought me many amazing opportunities. I planned my sorority's entire formal. I interned all semester for CMT and met some of my favorite artists on a weekly basis. And got PAID! I escorted stars backstage at the CMA Awards and got to be a part of the magic. I wrote my favorite poem I've ever written and was brave enough to share it. I even pulled off a B in Spanish. 

But biggest of all, I got accepted to spend next semester in Los Angeles California. 

On January 2nd, I will start off the new year on the biggest adventure of my life. 3000 miles from home in the City of Angels for 4 months.

So 2013, thank you for every lesson and every opportunity. 

And 2014, I'm a warrior, and I'm ready for whatever you've got. 

God Bless, 

Parker

a warrior, a fighter, a believer.

this thanksgiving,

i am thankful to still have my hair. i am thankful to not be spending this thanksgiving in a hospital. i am thankful for doctors and surgeons and nice paramedics. i am thankful to be able to see again.

i am thankful to be cancer free.

but most of all i am thankful for the people who have stuck by me through every second of this crazy few weeks.

i am a warrior, a fighter, and a believer. and this brain mass ain't got nothing on me.

i guess it's eight now...

"i found my place in a runaway car and I never looked back..."

Isn't amazing how a song and bring you straight back to a moment in time? How it can make you feel physically the exact same way you remember feeling the time you first heard it?

Well it happened for me tonight. It was a song I first heard last summer when I was in California with two of my good friends. We played it over and over again in the car as we drove up the coast from LA to San Jose, making a few good stops along the way. I've spent tonight thinking about so many of the wonderful things that happened on that trip.  How we flew to LA and spent the night. How we bought minions in the universal gift shop and named them (ZRRR and MEEP if your curious). How we got to see 10 cities in 6 days, and randomly Steven Spielberg at a mall. How we laughed until we couldnt breathe about yelling at imaginary boy banders. Or how we stalked different ones in San Jose. How we obsessively watched the One Direction DVD multiple times and listened to them in the car nonstop. And then there was stopping in a creepy gash station late at night and not being able to stop laughing long enough to pay for our food. There was my first Jamba Juice experience, gigantic houses, the hollywood sign, the board walk, a chinese tourist at the top of a huge San Francisco hill, and an old school diner.  Even sitting here writing this, I cant help but smile. And I can physcially feel like i did that week.

And then i noticed something else. Last summer, I went to California. This summer, I'm heading to New York. That means that both summers of my college career, I have visited a major world city. And I've decided that I want to continue the trend throughout the rest of my college years, not only because i get to see the world, but because i get the feeling every time i think about it.

And by the feeling i mean the sense of freedom i felt in california that summer. Just thinking about New York in a few weeks brings up the same exact feeling. This feeling thats so unique i can't really explain it. Its like going out on a limb and taking my own adventure unrelated to anyone or anything at home. Maybe some would call it running away, and maybe in a sense it is, but for me, its the only time i ever feel truly free. Because when I was in California, I was doing what i wanted to do. I was branching out and going with people outside of the comfort zone I've lived in for 20 years. And it feels so good.

Maybe it is running away, because God knows I have a lot to run away from. Maybe itll distract me long enough to make me forget about everything I'm trying to escape. Make me see a world detached from the one inside my head.

All I do know, is that I want to travel and see the world, but I want to do it my way. I want to go with the people i chose and let the wind throw us around. no set plan, just plane tickets, and a week, or even a day, in somewhere different.

I really hope that one day I dont forget this feeling. I hope I keep it going forever. Whenever I feel trapped or stuck, I hope i just pick a place and go. And who knows, by that time, maybe ill have someone who will come with me.

Because I want to fall in love while falling in love with the world. With myself. With my friends. With my soulmate.

Maybe it will all start with New York.

or maybe, just maybe, it all started with LA.


God Bless,
Parker








blog title from "Better Than This"- Hunter Hayes

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