This post is usually a celebratory one where I'm proud to show off my accomplishments from the year and the progress I made on my new years resolutions. And while it may turn out to be that later, i can't say my spirit is the same as the past few years.
In the most honest way to say it, this year has wrecked me. I experienced true undeniable heartbreak for the first time in my life. And not the romantic relationship ending kind. The kind when a piece of information rips of the veil like a bandaid and you see everything you've ignored come crumbling down. The kind that makes you question every part of who you are and what you believe. The kind that makes you realize that you were never really as grown up as you thought. And I'm still picking up the pieces everyday. Hoping someday the light will shine through it like a stained glass window.
This year has pushed me. I turned 20. I moved into my own house and lived by myself for 2 months 300 miles away from everyone and everything that made me feel comfortable. I took 3 classes and learned to fall in love with the silence i broke only on the nights i tried to reattach the broken pieces. I had the hardest semester of my school career and cried over spanish more than anything else. I went to therapy twice a week where surface level wasn't an option and i swam in the depths of my self and found tunnels and caves that connected it all.
And this year, boy has it scared me. I went blind in one eye before hearing the words "oncologists" and "neurosurgeon." I heard "the mass in your brain stem" more times than anyone should ever hear. I cried in my moms arms in a hospital bed. I looked her in the eyes and said "I'm not ready." I cried over the thought of having to shave my head, that i was selfish to care about something so irrelevant. Even after I left the hospital with a full head of hair, i was scared knowing i still carry "Brain" with me everyday.
But this year more than anything, taught me.
It taught me that you can't chose your family. That peace is not the absence of chaos, but the belief that God has not left you. That your plan will never look the way you want it to, and sometimes people surprise you. That living on my own was the best thing for me, and wounds must hurt in order to heal. That home isn't a place, its a feeling, and family isn't bonded by blood, but by heart, mind, and putting up with your best friends' shenanigans. That forgiveness takes time, and sometimes lots of it.
But most importantly, it has taught me that God will strip away everything you use to define yourself, your family, your friends, your city, your health, your education, just to show you the only thing you are is His. And that being His is all you will ever need.
This year, God stripped everything away from me, but i saw myself for the first time.
I wasn't the caretaker. I wasn't my GPA. I wasn't a diagnosis.
I am Parker.
I am broken but I am healing.
I am a writer and a thinker.
I grew up too fast
But held on to cartoons and boy bands.
I am an Ellen super fan,
and I hate all things sports.
I'm a little bit feminist,
and a dash of Conservative,
But most of all i am a daughter of the King.
And he will never leave me.
Despite its hardships, this year brought me many amazing opportunities. I planned my sorority's entire formal. I interned all semester for CMT and met some of my favorite artists on a weekly basis. And got PAID! I escorted stars backstage at the CMA Awards and got to be a part of the magic. I wrote my favorite poem I've ever written and was brave enough to share it. I even pulled off a B in Spanish.
But biggest of all, I got accepted to spend next semester in Los Angeles California.
On January 2nd, I will start off the new year on the biggest adventure of my life. 3000 miles from home in the City of Angels for 4 months.
So 2013, thank you for every lesson and every opportunity.
And 2014, I'm a warrior, and I'm ready for whatever you've got.
God Bless,
Parker
