You must be blind...

When a relationship ends, there is often a point when things have gone too far. Sometimes, people go too far in what they say. Other times, people go too far with what they do to themselves. For the past few months, I've watched a friend pretend that she was not hurting when she saw him. That it didnt make her sick to her stomach when she made jokes about him. But everyone could see that she wasn't as ok as she promised.
It was natural to want to make herself seem like everything was fine, that she couldnt care less. In fact, often acting this way helps you to actually feel ok with the situation. But more times than not, these emotions got wrapped up in things she wished she hadn't done. She apologized time and time again. And time and time again she repeated the same mistakes.  Then one day she came to realize she was done trying. She began to allow herself to believe the little things she did were childish, no matter how good she pretended they felt at the time. She began to see that, subconsciously, she always wished he would hear or see the things she did; she wished he would see that she was getting along just fine without him. That she only held on to avoid saying good-bye. But, she finally saw that no matter what she did, nothing would ever be the same. He would go on with his life, just as she would go on with hers. Unfortunately, the pain set in for a time, knowing that the person she once deeply cared about must not be a part of her life. But little by little, she is becoming whole again. The bruises are beginning to heal and the scars are beginning to fade. 
After a while, she found herself going days without thinking about him and her stomach wouldn't drop at the sound of his name.But, of course, she knows there will always be something to evoke a memory. The way he held her hand or the smell of his shirt. But now, she will look back on those memories without anger. And though her scars are permanent, she will wear them everyday knowing that they are a part of who she is. While she has to rid herself of the bad memories, she is beginning to see they don't have to take the good with them. It doesn't matter who he is today or what he is doing, because the person she knew was real in that moment. 
She fell for someone who turned into a stranger. She fell hard and was left to pick herself up. And, she knows why she did the things she did, said the things she said. Because they were easy. It was easy to pretend and say "i hate you," because nothing is scarier than the truth when you feel unwanted. The once beautiful, simple vulnerability she felt in his presence became terrifying. She shut down in fear of rejection. 
But she chose to change this. She wrote her feelings in a letter he will never read. Said prayers so personal that no one but God could bear to hear. Prayers that for the first time were not for his sake but for her own. And now, no matter how many times he comes to tear her down, she recalls the man she knew. The man that was more real to her than any she had ever know. And, tonight while he lies awake, she will sleep knowing the truth he refuses to believe.