"Speak Now..."

Since I last wrote, the world has changed. In the past week alone, a commoner became a princess, the world was rid of one man's evil, and, strangest of all, i became an adult. Tonight I sit here with my stomach in knots, not sure if its from all the food ive had this birthday week, or from the fact that tomorrow i start my last week of high school. Im starting to realize that this is it. Theres something ive been planning to write for a few months now, and i think that there is no better time than now. 


In less than 2 weeks we will be sitting in a church. Rows of graduation caps rising and sinking as our names are called to walk across the stage to the rest of our lives. We'll take that long walk, thinking a different thought with each breath, our hearts pounding as we take a new, lighter step. We will look out into a sea of people we have spent most of our lives with. People we love, some we never liked, others we wish we had gotten to know, and many we will never see again. With diploma in hand, we will fight back the tears we swore we wouldnt shed and shake the hand of a principal we may have never given a chance. We will walk back to our place among the 400 other students who, for the first time, have come together to celebrate the one thing we all have in common. In that moment nothing matters because we're all in one place, thinking the same thoughts; what we wish we would have said, the things we wish we'd never said.  As i sit here tonight, looking back on my high school years, I see the life long friends i made, the laughter that brought me to tears, the moments i wished would never end, some I wished had never happened, others than sent me to my knees with no other place to turn. I have not been a child since I was thirteen years old for reason of things I had to face as an adult, but there is no doubt that high school has made me think about what it means to be young. I've found that being young doesnt make you stupid, no matter how many stupid things you've done. It doesnt make you reckless, maybe just a little less careful. But there is one thing that young does make us: afraid. No matter how much we may deny it, we are scared. Not necessarily of growing older, but of the small amount time we have left to be young. We hold back doing what we love, saying the things that should be said, in fear of disrupting what we have. We are afraid of reactions. What if someone doesnt feel the same way? What if they do? What happens then? We dont take risks because we think they couldnt possibly turn out in our favor. We're too young, we have plenty of time. But the truth is, we have less than a year. In less than a year, all of the people we've come to know will be nothing but a smile in a picture or a signature in a yearbook. All of the moments we promised ourselves we'd never forget with be tossed away with all the algebra problems and history dates crammed into our brains year after year. We wont remember who dated who; who were best friends and who were enemies; who took who to prom, or any of the things we spent countless instances overreacting about. Maybe most of these trivial things are better left forgotten. Maybe others are better left without wondering "what if?" Take a second to thing of all the things you never said in high school. All the people you wish you we're brave enough to confront, whether good or bad. Now think of what you would say if you had the ability to do it over again. What would you say? Now, i have a different question: Whats stopping you? In one week, you may never see that person again. What do you have to lose? This is your chance. Tell someone you've been hurt. Apologize to those you have wronged. Tell someone what they mean to you. Tell another you wish youd meant more. Tell yourself that you are good enough. Tell someone you miss them. Dont leave that church with wondering "what if?" Find out. You have the rest of your life to worry about regret, and only a few more years of being young, stupid and reckless. For once in my life, Im ready to take a risk, and i pray to God someone will take one with me. Here goes nothing:


To the boy who was only a friend: 

I really liked you and I wish you had never outgrown me. I hate that every look between us is filled with things we wish we could say, all drowned out by the drone of our mutual stubbornness. If im being honest, I hate that we can stand two feet away from each other and never exchange more than a glance. I hate that those glances are not the usual "look away immediately" glances, but that each one is like a small silent conversation. I hate that when you look at me Its as If you're saying 'I'm sorry.' I hate knowing I may never hear you say it, that I may never get to say it back. I hate that i know the answers, yet wont believe them until i hear you say them. I hate that this could all be in my head. I hate that I spend so much time wondering how your entire family knows my name, but I've never been introduced. I hate that i spent so much time trying to be your kind of beautiful, and left myself behind in the process. I can't stand when they call you by a different name. It may be yours, but the difference between him and you is astounding. I want that kid back. The one I called a friend, not a stranger. But I'm beginning to see now, if you were meant to show up on my doorstep, I would've found you there long ago. So I guess to answer our unasked question. Yes, I miss you. I really do.

To the best friend who became less:
I was wrong and I'm sorry. For a moment I was the friend I didnt want to be. I snuck around and let the emotions build up until things ended in a way i would have never wished. But if I'm being honest, and i know you feel the same way, our friendship wasnt built to last. We weren't heathy for each other in the end. But please know, i dont regret any of our friendship. You were there for me when my world was crumbling around me. You were the one solid thing in my life for many years. God placed you in my life because you were who i needed during that time. We were two completely different people, but we relied on each other because we were all we had to hold on to. We really were best friends. I will never forget the times we laughed until we couldnt breathe, the nights we stayed up late talking about anything and everything. But times change, and we had done what God needed us to do in each others lives. We had our time together, but we were headed in different ways. We needed space and time to grow, something that should have never happened with bitterness. Im sorry for the way we let things end. I hope that your life becomes what youve always wished it would be. And, I hope someday things will be better.  You were, and still are, one of the most wonderful people i've ever met, and i will always love you.



I've finally said what I've always held back. Now its your turn. Will you join me?

Here's hoping,
Parker



inspired by: Taylor Swift's "Speak Now"

p.s. if you guess any of the people mentioned, please keep it to yourself. my purpose is to speak up without the intention to embarrass anyone.
thank you for reading and understanding :)


People who have taken the chance to "Speak Now":

www.peaceloveprayer.blogspot.com
post name: "i just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above."

http://thestainedglassmasquerade.blogspot.com/

takeariskmakeachange.blogspot.com/