farewell december… the good, the bad, and the lessons i learned

Today is the last day of the hardest year of my life, and to say I'm not ready for it to be over would be a lie.

This post is usually a celebratory one where I'm proud to show off my accomplishments from the year and the progress I made on my new years resolutions. And while it may turn out to be that later, i can't say my spirit is the same as the past few years. 

In the most honest way to say it, this year has wrecked me. I experienced true undeniable heartbreak for the first time in my life. And not the romantic relationship ending kind. The kind when a piece of information rips of the veil  like a bandaid and you see everything you've ignored come crumbling down. The kind that makes you question every part of who you are and what you believe. The kind that makes you realize that you were never really as grown up as you thought. And I'm still picking up the pieces everyday. Hoping someday the light will shine through it like a stained glass window.

This year has pushed me. I turned 20. I moved into my own house and lived by myself for 2 months 300 miles away from everyone and everything that made me feel comfortable. I took 3 classes and learned to fall in love with the silence i broke only on the nights i tried to reattach the broken pieces. I had the hardest semester of my school career and cried over spanish more than anything else.  I went to therapy twice a week where surface level wasn't an option and i swam in the depths of my self and found tunnels and caves that connected it all. 

And this year, boy has it scared me. I went blind in one eye before hearing the words "oncologists" and "neurosurgeon." I heard "the mass in your brain stem" more times than anyone should ever hear. I cried in my moms arms in a hospital bed. I looked her in the eyes and said "I'm not ready." I cried over the thought of having to shave my head, that i was selfish to care about something so irrelevant. Even after I left the hospital with a full head of hair, i was scared knowing i still carry "Brain" with me everyday.

But this year more than anything, taught me.

It taught me that you can't chose your family. That peace is not the absence of chaos, but the belief that God has not left you. That your plan will never look the way you want it to, and sometimes people surprise you. That living on my own was the best thing for me, and wounds must hurt in order to heal. That home isn't a place, its a feeling, and family isn't bonded by blood, but by heart, mind, and putting up with your best friends' shenanigans. That forgiveness takes time, and sometimes lots of it. 

But most importantly, it has taught me that God will strip away everything you use to define yourself, your family, your friends, your city, your health, your education, just to show you the only thing you are is His. And that being His is all you will ever need. 

This year, God stripped everything away from me, but i saw myself for the first time. 

I wasn't the caretaker. I wasn't my GPA. I wasn't a diagnosis. 

I am Parker.  

I am broken but I am healing.

I am a writer and a thinker.  

I grew up too fast

But held on to cartoons and boy bands.

I am an Ellen super fan,

and I hate all things sports.

I'm a little bit feminist, 

and a dash of Conservative, 

But most of all i am a daughter of the King.

And he will never leave me.

Despite its hardships, this year brought me many amazing opportunities. I planned my sorority's entire formal. I interned all semester for CMT and met some of my favorite artists on a weekly basis. And got PAID! I escorted stars backstage at the CMA Awards and got to be a part of the magic. I wrote my favorite poem I've ever written and was brave enough to share it. I even pulled off a B in Spanish. 

But biggest of all, I got accepted to spend next semester in Los Angeles California. 

On January 2nd, I will start off the new year on the biggest adventure of my life. 3000 miles from home in the City of Angels for 4 months.

So 2013, thank you for every lesson and every opportunity. 

And 2014, I'm a warrior, and I'm ready for whatever you've got. 

God Bless, 

Parker

a warrior, a fighter, a believer.

this thanksgiving,

i am thankful to still have my hair. i am thankful to not be spending this thanksgiving in a hospital. i am thankful for doctors and surgeons and nice paramedics. i am thankful to be able to see again.

i am thankful to be cancer free.

but most of all i am thankful for the people who have stuck by me through every second of this crazy few weeks.

i am a warrior, a fighter, and a believer. and this brain mass ain't got nothing on me.

i guess it's eight now...

"i found my place in a runaway car and I never looked back..."

Isn't amazing how a song and bring you straight back to a moment in time? How it can make you feel physically the exact same way you remember feeling the time you first heard it?

Well it happened for me tonight. It was a song I first heard last summer when I was in California with two of my good friends. We played it over and over again in the car as we drove up the coast from LA to San Jose, making a few good stops along the way. I've spent tonight thinking about so many of the wonderful things that happened on that trip.  How we flew to LA and spent the night. How we bought minions in the universal gift shop and named them (ZRRR and MEEP if your curious). How we got to see 10 cities in 6 days, and randomly Steven Spielberg at a mall. How we laughed until we couldnt breathe about yelling at imaginary boy banders. Or how we stalked different ones in San Jose. How we obsessively watched the One Direction DVD multiple times and listened to them in the car nonstop. And then there was stopping in a creepy gash station late at night and not being able to stop laughing long enough to pay for our food. There was my first Jamba Juice experience, gigantic houses, the hollywood sign, the board walk, a chinese tourist at the top of a huge San Francisco hill, and an old school diner.  Even sitting here writing this, I cant help but smile. And I can physcially feel like i did that week.

And then i noticed something else. Last summer, I went to California. This summer, I'm heading to New York. That means that both summers of my college career, I have visited a major world city. And I've decided that I want to continue the trend throughout the rest of my college years, not only because i get to see the world, but because i get the feeling every time i think about it.

And by the feeling i mean the sense of freedom i felt in california that summer. Just thinking about New York in a few weeks brings up the same exact feeling. This feeling thats so unique i can't really explain it. Its like going out on a limb and taking my own adventure unrelated to anyone or anything at home. Maybe some would call it running away, and maybe in a sense it is, but for me, its the only time i ever feel truly free. Because when I was in California, I was doing what i wanted to do. I was branching out and going with people outside of the comfort zone I've lived in for 20 years. And it feels so good.

Maybe it is running away, because God knows I have a lot to run away from. Maybe itll distract me long enough to make me forget about everything I'm trying to escape. Make me see a world detached from the one inside my head.

All I do know, is that I want to travel and see the world, but I want to do it my way. I want to go with the people i chose and let the wind throw us around. no set plan, just plane tickets, and a week, or even a day, in somewhere different.

I really hope that one day I dont forget this feeling. I hope I keep it going forever. Whenever I feel trapped or stuck, I hope i just pick a place and go. And who knows, by that time, maybe ill have someone who will come with me.

Because I want to fall in love while falling in love with the world. With myself. With my friends. With my soulmate.

Maybe it will all start with New York.

or maybe, just maybe, it all started with LA.


God Bless,
Parker








blog title from "Better Than This"- Hunter Hayes

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Even when its not....

Even when life just feels wrong, there will always be something that will always feel right.

Belly aching laughter at stupid jokes. The feeling you get when you know you've had too much junk food, but you keep going anyway. Finally having patio furniture. The snuggle of a puppy waiting for a home. The longing to make that home yours. Grocery store shenanigans and chick flicks. Friends who take you to see European boy bands in concert for free. European boy bands in general. Having the best concert of your life. Impromptu road trips to Atlanta to see the boyband a second time. Catching and pressing charges on the person who scammed you on your tickets and canceled the road trip. Laughing about the whole thing. Late night floor sits. Meeting long time internet friends for the first time in person. New outfits that make you feel confident. Starting something new. Kicking and punching a bag for an hour.  Friends that still love you from 300 miles away. And a God that never stops working.

Life has made it hard to see all of these things. But today I felt them all and i learned that life is good, even when it's not.

And that is what will see me through.

Midnight Musings: A Fine Line ( a poem by me)

A Fine Line

I’ve seen it.

It’s laced with “I hurt you’s” and “I tried to save you’s”

It’s lined with silk and shards of glass.

It feels like smoldering days and cool summer nights.

And It sounds like “I love you,” but its tense depends on the wind.

And it blows my hair around my face
As I try to drive you out of my system.

But I always end up back here.

This moment it screams hate.
The next it whispers love.

But the radio is too loud
And I’d rather not think about it now.



( ALL WORK BELONGS TO PARKER ROBERTS)

And the sound of the city lights echo in my head...

Tonight, I heard God speak to me while I stood alone on a bridge. He took me alone to the edge of my city to stand in front of all He had given me.

I can't really say what brought me there. I'd had kind of a rough night, and something told me to just drive. It was warm and windy and smelt like the summer nights I always find myself going back to. I drove all over downtown when something told me to go to the bridge. Id been once and kind of knew where I was going, but somehow I got there without any direction (which if you know me personally is a huge feat, too directionally challenged for my own good). I sat for a while in the parking lot looking up at the skyline that spread before me. It was late, so I wasn't sure it was safe to walk the bridge by myself. But a calm came over me. I got out of my car and walked the bridge as people slowly made their way off. And I cried as I looked at the water below me and how it was dark but still flickered with the reflection of the city lights above it. Everything I'd ever wanted was painted on the sky in front of me. And that's when I realized I had it all wrong.

I've been on the edge for months now feeling like nothing in my life makes sense anymore. I've stood on the line between anger and desperation. I've let my voice echo through the caves I try to ignore. I've gotten lost in canyons and I've scaled mountains, but all the while, I've been facing the wrong direction.

But tonight God spun me around. My canyons became bridges. My dark waters became bright stars.

Tonight, He showed me my heart.
And it is full of city lights.



(title from the song "The City" by Ed Sheeran)

If you're reading this...

I don't know that theres ever been a time that i have ever not been ok. Until now. Though, I am getting better. Or trying to. Truth is, I found out some stuff about my family that I have no idea how to process. And it's kind of turned my life upside down. It's information I'm not sure what to do with. Because, for me, it changes everything, no matter how much I don't want it to. And for the first time in my life, I have no idea where to go or what to do. I guess I just feel like I can't catch a break.

You know, they say God only gives you what he knows you can handle, and I guess I should take it as a compliment, because God must think I can handle a whole lot. But I'm not so sure Im handling it this time. I just kind of try to ignore it, to not think about it because i get too angry, too confused. I think this is the first time I've really been angry at God. But at the same time, I'm not afraid to hide that from Him. He already knows. He's not going anywhere. And I still talk to him everyday. I know in my heart that only good came of this situation, that it is long past, and the person hurt most by it is healing in ways I never knew they could. But my head isnt quite there yet. My eyes have been open to so many things, things I never wanted to know, but things I needed to know. Things I will heal from in time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I miss things the way they were before I knew, but I am thankful that I know. But suddenly I'm not so sure where I stand. So many things make me want to run back and pretend it never happened. But something did happen, though I may never fully understand what. I may never fully understand what it all means. All I know is that I have to keep going. I have to figure it out. Because if I stop moving, I'll drown in it all.

I just need time. 

I still love you and I miss you every day,

this isnt forever, it's just for now.
I just need time. 

And I hope you understand.

“She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. ” 

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Why Hatred is Just Like DubStep

I know what your thinking, where the heck is this post going right?
What is the one thing hatred and dub step have in common?
Theyve both become Fads.
Fads that I hope come to pass.

i dont think i'll ever understand why it has become a fad to hate people in our society. Since when did it become ok for everyone to decide they dont like someone, just because one person thought it would be funny to do so.

And if you know me well enough, you probably know who this post is inspired by. And yes, I am talking in short about Taylor Swift, but mostly because she is the most recent example. what do i mean by this? well, lets take a look at a few others you might know to help you understand:

In the past couple of years, it has become "cool" to dislike people like Kristen Stewart and Nickleback. I bet some of you goffed just at the sound of their names. But what was it that makes you do that? Take a second to think about the reasons you dont like these people. Now look and see how many of those reasons are jokes youve heard in the media. "She doesnt show any emotion" "Nicklebacks music is terrible." "She's a homewrecker and a whore" "Nickleback all sounds the same" Did I name a few? How many of those things you thought of did you actually come up with yourself?

There was a time that Kristen Stewart was the envy of teenage girls every where. Critics raved about her performances in films outside of the one she was most ridiculed for. Yes, she may be an atypical actress compared to the others in hollywood, but i remember seeing a Kristen that was happy and laughing, even if she was a little shy and awkward. All she wanted was to act, she didnt come into this wanting fame. she got a role and she took it. she never expected it to blast off the way it did. And then, because of one scene in a movie where her acting may have been a little off, someone took that scene and exaggerated it as a harmless joke. By putting yourself in the public eye, you make yourself susceptible to that. But its those people who take it as a serious insult that take things too far. They then believe that it is "cool" to hate kristen stewart, and suddenly the same jokes show up over and over again. They may be comical at first, but then they become excessive and hurtful as they escalate into things that are personal and insulting. The same thing happened to Nickleback. A joke went to far and suddenly everyone hates nickleback back because youre not "cool" if you do like them.

And now we have Taylor Swift, who is recieving endless amounts of hate that started when she began dating Harry Styles of One Directon, the nation's biggest boyband heartthrob, just after breaking it off with another famous boyfriend. Someone made a joke about Taylor dating around too much, and suddenly the world caught on to it. What started out as a probably innocent joke, was catapulted to every form of media catching on to this joke, that was not only hurtful, but untrue. The fact are that Taylor has dated 6 people in the past 3 years, but most are saying 13 in the past year. People continue to make hurtful jokes saying things like "Maybe she's the problem" "She needs to stop playing victim"and inaccurately adding more and more people to the list of men she dated just to make a joke. The girl that so many people adored a year ago, is not the target of another "hate fad."

And that is what sickens me about this whole thing. Taylor was loved by so many and received little hate a year ago. She was america's sweetheart. And a year later, because one person made a joke, she is recieving and excessive amount of unnecessary hate. It has become a "fad"to hate Taylor Swift.

And the fact that it can become a "fad" for people to hate anyone is disgusting.

I guess in my unpopular opinion:
I think Kristen Stewart is a beautiful girl who isnt afraid to be who she is. And, wait for it, can actually be a good actress.
I also think that Nickleback is talented. Do I listen to theyre music, no. But I do I hate them? No. Because i dont listen to their music. How can you hate something, YOU HAVENT LISTENED TO.
And last but not least, I love Taylor Swift. I always have and I always will. She is an extremely talented songwriter who has a heart bigger than any star I've seen. She gives away million of dollars every year to charity. She writes every. single. one. of. her. songs. Maybe she falls in love a lot, but why is that a bad thing? Is she not allowed to fall in love? But most of all, I love Taylor Because she is exactly who she wants to be. And your opinions of her will not change that.

I guess what I'm trying to get to, is that celebrities are HUMAN. They see and hear these things every day. And no one deserves to just be hated because its the cool thing to do.

Im not trying to tell you to like someone just because I do. Im just asking you to think about the reasons you truly dislike someone. Is it because you heard funny joke, or because everyone around you seems to dislike them? Or is it because there is something about them you genuinely do not like?

And its ok to not like someone. And its ok to like someone even when everyone seems to dislike them.

make your own choices.

in the fragile state of our society, hatred should never be a "fad."

And if it is, its one i refuse to follow.

God Bless,
Parker

New Year's Resolutions Round Two (better late than never)

I just want to start out by saying Im so very sorry it look me so long to post this! I've just slacked off getting back in to the swing of things in school and what not. But alas, as I promised, here are my 2013 Resolutions!


1. IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, CHANGE IT; IF YOURE NOT GOING TO CHANGE IT, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT
This was actually something my mom said to me once when I was little that really stuck with me. To me, it means that no matter how much you complain about something or dont like something, it wont change until you decide to change it. This year, I want to keep this in mind as much as possible, whether it comes to my self-image, my life, school, etc. Talking about changing something doesn't change it, but doing something about it does. Action over reaction in 2013.

2. FIND MORE CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF TO BELIEVE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My whole life I've struggled with relationships. I've been around a lot of really broken and unhealthy relationships, both romantic and friendship. But thats a story for another day. But this year I hope that i can find the confidence to believe that I am not the sum of other peoples mistakes, nor am i the sum of my own. i have the power to change things and make different choices than the ones I've seen fail. I hope this will lead to stronger relationships with friends and family, and maybe even romantic relationships if they come along.

3. READ MORE 
I can already say I've failed considerably at this so far because I've been so busy/ spend way to much time on the internet. haha! BUT there are still 11 months left to make good on this promise to myself! Slow and steady wins the race right? ;)

4. JOURNAL OFTEN
I say often because I'm being realistic that I wont be able to keep up everyday because things come up/ you fall asleep before you get a chance to write your day down! However, so far I've journaled 27 of the 28 days of the year! Which makes me feel fantastic! I've found that I really enjoy it and kind of wish I'd started way earlier!

5. TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY
And by this I dont mean: i want to lose 20 pounds kind of take care of myself physically. While getting healthy in that aspect is definitely part of what I want to do this year, I am not someone who has ever really been obsessed with loosing weight. HOWEVER, I am a college student who eats lots of junk food and rarely exercises, and thats not healthy for anyone. So I want to get to an "i like doing this because it makes me feel good" place this year. And the same goes for my emotional health. This past summer was really hard on me, and I still find myself getting a little down sometimes because everything is so different from Freshman year. I hope to find someone, professional or not, who can help me work through the different things I struggle with.

6. DONT STOP WRITING
This was something I was really proud of myself for actually keeping up with last year! I hope to still write here at least once monthly, as well as continue doing different creative writing exercises throughout the year. thankfully i just got 642 Thing to Write About to keep me inspired all year!

7.  KICK BAD HABITS
Admittedly, i have some pretty weird habbits. For instance, I am ALWAYS touching my eyebrows/face. I tend to do it when I'm bored or stressed. I just want to knock that habit and some others (like not paying attention to what someone is saying when I'm looking at my tv/phone/computer or staying up way too late) by the end of this year.

8. COMPLETE ANOTHER 3 ITEMS FROM BUCKET LIST
I had so much fun doing this last year, I'm doing it again! This year, I'm shooting for:

• Visiting London
• Visiting France
• Working for CMA

All of which I think I can accomplish! but of course I'm not limited to those! 

9. CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY

because this life is the best i could imagine :)

10. NOT TO FORGET ALL MY RESOLUTIONS FROM LAST YEAR

Last year was a defining year in my life. I learned SO much from the resolutions I made that I really hope I will remember them and continue to be bold, to be a light, and to keep writing and making the most of the time I have on this planet. 

So heres to another year! Thanks for letting me have over a year here to write about my life. I can only hope it has inspired you in some way!

Happy New Year, may it remain happy until we say it again next year! 

God Bless,

Parker