If you're reading this...

I don't know that theres ever been a time that i have ever not been ok. Until now. Though, I am getting better. Or trying to. Truth is, I found out some stuff about my family that I have no idea how to process. And it's kind of turned my life upside down. It's information I'm not sure what to do with. Because, for me, it changes everything, no matter how much I don't want it to. And for the first time in my life, I have no idea where to go or what to do. I guess I just feel like I can't catch a break.

You know, they say God only gives you what he knows you can handle, and I guess I should take it as a compliment, because God must think I can handle a whole lot. But I'm not so sure Im handling it this time. I just kind of try to ignore it, to not think about it because i get too angry, too confused. I think this is the first time I've really been angry at God. But at the same time, I'm not afraid to hide that from Him. He already knows. He's not going anywhere. And I still talk to him everyday. I know in my heart that only good came of this situation, that it is long past, and the person hurt most by it is healing in ways I never knew they could. But my head isnt quite there yet. My eyes have been open to so many things, things I never wanted to know, but things I needed to know. Things I will heal from in time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I miss things the way they were before I knew, but I am thankful that I know. But suddenly I'm not so sure where I stand. So many things make me want to run back and pretend it never happened. But something did happen, though I may never fully understand what. I may never fully understand what it all means. All I know is that I have to keep going. I have to figure it out. Because if I stop moving, I'll drown in it all.

I just need time. 

I still love you and I miss you every day,

this isnt forever, it's just for now.
I just need time. 

And I hope you understand.

“She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. ” 

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky