Out of All These Things I've Done, I Will Love You Better Now...

Tonight, I really miss him, and I don't know why it's hitting me like this. There has been nothing really to set it off, but tonight I find myself wishing I could just talk to him. Not about anything in particular, just say hello, tell him how proud I am of him. I find that every time I find new music, all I want to do is tell him about it. I want to show him all of this wonderful music I've been finding that I know he would love, but I have no way to share it with him. So for now I'll tuck it away in my memory, and remember to tell him when I see him again.

I didn't think it would be this hard. I've been away from him while I was at school for longer than this. But I guess even then I could talk to him whenever I wanted. Maybe not being able to talk to him has made me realize how often I really want to. I took that for granted. 

Parts of me feel so selfish for missing him. He's doing something so amazing for himself. He's making his life what it always should have been. I guess I just wish I could share it with him. Be there to hold his hand if he needs someone to hold it. Or to tell him he can do it whenever he doubts himself. I just want to show him that he never has to do any of this alone. I'll always be there for him. Part of me knows that he believes that, but I wish I knew how to show him how much I mean that.

He sees me for so much better than I really am. He never forgot to tell me how proud he was of me every time we spoke. I should have done that more. 

But, there is nothing I can change about the past. I'll make an effort in the future to remind him just how much I love him. That there is nothing that can tear apart brother and sister. We're in this together no matter what. Us against the world, just like it's always been. 

I just have to keep reminding myself that each day apart from each other is one day closer to being together again. 

He'll be ok. I'll be ok. We'll all be ok. We've got Someone looking out for us every step of the way.


post title from "Lego House" by Ed Sheeran


**update**

i sometimes forget how much writing helps me. i can just sit and write for a few hours about how im feeling and suddenly i feel like things makes sense. like all the things that have been swirling around in my head just find there way into sentences that seem to write themselves. it makes me feel like maybe ive know the answers all along, that maybe im not as messed up as i think i am sometimes. 

i truly believe that God gave me my writing ability as a way of spending time with Him, even if its indirect. Its amazing how he can teach me so many things, just in a letter i wrote to my brother. He teaches me lessons when i least expect to hear them. I am eternally grateful for the favor He has shown me in my life. Without Him, I am nothing. With Him, I am whoever I want to be.