Words Will Be Just Words, Until You Bring Them to Life

Have you ever been reading a book and without any warning, come across a line that seems to describe your life perfectly? Have you ever stopped abruptly and reread the sentence over and over again, because you couldn't have put your thoughts together in the same way? Well, this is mine. Its a line from Clare Abshire, a character in Audrey Niffenegger's novel The Time Traveler's Wife. In this scene of the book, Henry (her husband) has made a huge mistake, but Clare comes to lay with him and comfort him despite her anger. When he tells her "You are so good," she responds by "I'm not good. I'm afraid." (pictured above). So many people may just skim over this line as if it was just another seemingly insignificant part of the story. But it was not until this point in the book that I actually understood how Clare was feeling.

Though the context of this statement may be very different from my life, I cannot help but feel like this line was what I've always felt about myself. My entire life, I've been told how "good" I am. I never get in trouble; I have always been seen as the "good" child. I never broke the rules or did things to hurt other people intentionally. I never took risks. I always played everything safe. And because of these things, everyone thought i was so "good." And maybe I am "good." But it is the second half of Clare's statement that really hits home for me. More than anything, I'm afraid. I am afraid of what will happen if I break the rules. I'm terrified of getting in trouble. I don't take risks because I'm afraid of humiliating myself or hurting other people. I'm afraid of the chaos that comes along with not being in control, so I do my best to control things as much as I can. I choose to make safe choices because they are just that: safe.

Don't get me wrong, I like to believe that, overall, I am a good person. I do my best to treat people well and make smart decisions, because I truly believe that by doing so, you lead a more fulfilling life. But do not think for a second that I am "good" because I do not get in trouble. There are so many things worth getting in trouble for in this world; things that you are passionate about that may not settle well with others. But there are the small things in life that are worth it too. Things like sneaking out late at night, spending a little more money on something than you probably should have, going out on a limb and asking someone out because you think there is even the slightest possibility they will say yes. But, the majority of the time, these are things that I don't do. Sure, maybe it's because I'm "good" and follow the rules. But more times than not, it's because I'm afraid.

I want to learn to relate to this statement minus the second half. To learn it's ok to be a little rebellious every once in a while. To learn that getting in trouble doesn't always mean you aren't "good." As long as no one gets hurt, a late night sneak out or a few extra bucks on that pair of shoes won't make you a lesser person. It's all in good fun, and someday I'll be able to make the distinction.


Post Title from "Another World"- One Direction (please dont judge me for my music selection! hahaha)