Everything's Right, I said Everything's Right...

I have no real intentions for writing this right now, other than the fact that i miss it. Right now, for the first time in a while, I'm taking advantage of the down time i have. Im currently laying backwards on my bed with music playing in the background, thinking about just how incredibly happy I am. I know I say that a lot, but at this exact moment, I can just feel every ounce of it. I was meant to be here. I was meant to meet the people I have met. I was meant to live in this city. I feel like I've been smiling nonstop for the past four months. I just feel like everything is right in my world. I feel like my entire perspective on myself has been flipped. Im doing things the old me would have never done. Not crazy things in any sense, just things that are more brave than the high school version of myself would have ever done. I'm starting to go after the things I really want. I even signed up for my first vocal lesson despite my terror about it. Im starting to realize that the only thing holding me back from being the person i want to be is myself. I am so much more confident than I was just a few short months ago. And I never want to go back to my non-risktaking self. I want to stay right here in this moment forever: laying on my bed, the voice of my favorite artists playing in the background, appreciating all that God has provided me with. This is what life is supposed to be like. This is who I can't wait to become.

Post Title from: "Everything's Right" -Matt Wertz

Am I Dreaming?

So. In the past week alone, I have hugged my favorite singer in the entire world, seen another one of my top five singers live, worked backstage at the CMAs where I saw four of my favorite artists, and got initiated into my sorority. And I get to work the next 2 days for the CMAs. And, just to top it all off, I live in the city I've wanted to live in my entire life and go to my dream school. 

IS THIS REALLY MY LIFE????

i am so blessed.

I've had the time of my life...

A month ago today, I embarked on an entirely new journey. A month ago today, I said good-bye to all of my friends and family. A month ago today, I moved to a new city alone. A month ago today, I grew up.

It's crazy how much changes in a month. I didn't think I was ready for all of this. I knew I was ready to leave, just not sure what to expect when I finally got out. I could have not asked for anything better than what God has given me. In the past month, I've moved 100s of miles from my home. I've gained wonderful friendships I was so worried about making. I've built my own routine, created my own space, set my own schedule. I've paid for my own groceries. I've taken trips on my own time, without parents. I've stayed up all night and slept all day. I've laughed so hard I've cried. I've laid in the grass all day. I've permanently reminded myself to "be still." I've told my story. I've prayed and thanked God for all he has provided me with.

In the past month, I've started college, and I wouldn't take a moment of it back.
I am where I am meant to be.
I am where I am meant to build my life.
I am where I've always wanted to be,
And it's more than I could have ever dreamed.
I am so blessed.

I wish I had the words to describe it...

"By the time I recognize this moment; This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light; pretend that it somehow lingered on"
-"Clarity" John Mayer

There is just something about today, something I cant quite capture. this feeling that everything in my world is settling, while in reality, my family is living in a state of chaos. there is this feeling of freedom in my heart that I have never felt. This feeling that no matter what happens in this world, there will always be someone there to love me. A sense of pure happiness and contentment, yet i feel as though nothing has changed. God works in ways I will never understand. He has a way of making me feel like there is nothing that could ever finish me, almost like an invincibility of spirit. There is a weight that has been lifted from my shoulders and a Holy hand laid on my heart. I pray that my earthly doubts will not shadow this incredible feeling.

‎

And so it begins...

June 20th: I met my roommate today; God is good.

June 21st: Today was my first day of college orientation and it was absolutely perfect.

June 22nd: I registered for classes today and saw my new dorm; let's just say im extremely blessed. 

These three lines are from a new journal I've just started keeping where I will write a line a day for five years. But I could do an entire post just on that. In short, I began the journal two days before I left for college orientation, the beginning of the next four years of my life. And if those years are anything like the last two days, I will live them knowing this is where I am meant to be.

I can honestly say that orientation was one of the best experiences of my life. It more than exceeded my expectations. I spent two days in sessions that made me feel more and more at home with each one I sat through. I laughed and talked to people like we were never strangers. My roommate is way more than i could have ever hoped for. She's absolutely wonderful. I got lucky and got a corner room thats much bigger than most of the rooms in the dorm. I got all but one class I stressed about getting, and now I dont have class until 11. I loved each and every part of the campus and the mission that Belmont stands for. I know in my heart that God has placed me where I am supposed to be. I am so incredibly blessed.

"Speak Now..."

Since I last wrote, the world has changed. In the past week alone, a commoner became a princess, the world was rid of one man's evil, and, strangest of all, i became an adult. Tonight I sit here with my stomach in knots, not sure if its from all the food ive had this birthday week, or from the fact that tomorrow i start my last week of high school. Im starting to realize that this is it. Theres something ive been planning to write for a few months now, and i think that there is no better time than now. 


In less than 2 weeks we will be sitting in a church. Rows of graduation caps rising and sinking as our names are called to walk across the stage to the rest of our lives. We'll take that long walk, thinking a different thought with each breath, our hearts pounding as we take a new, lighter step. We will look out into a sea of people we have spent most of our lives with. People we love, some we never liked, others we wish we had gotten to know, and many we will never see again. With diploma in hand, we will fight back the tears we swore we wouldnt shed and shake the hand of a principal we may have never given a chance. We will walk back to our place among the 400 other students who, for the first time, have come together to celebrate the one thing we all have in common. In that moment nothing matters because we're all in one place, thinking the same thoughts; what we wish we would have said, the things we wish we'd never said.  As i sit here tonight, looking back on my high school years, I see the life long friends i made, the laughter that brought me to tears, the moments i wished would never end, some I wished had never happened, others than sent me to my knees with no other place to turn. I have not been a child since I was thirteen years old for reason of things I had to face as an adult, but there is no doubt that high school has made me think about what it means to be young. I've found that being young doesnt make you stupid, no matter how many stupid things you've done. It doesnt make you reckless, maybe just a little less careful. But there is one thing that young does make us: afraid. No matter how much we may deny it, we are scared. Not necessarily of growing older, but of the small amount time we have left to be young. We hold back doing what we love, saying the things that should be said, in fear of disrupting what we have. We are afraid of reactions. What if someone doesnt feel the same way? What if they do? What happens then? We dont take risks because we think they couldnt possibly turn out in our favor. We're too young, we have plenty of time. But the truth is, we have less than a year. In less than a year, all of the people we've come to know will be nothing but a smile in a picture or a signature in a yearbook. All of the moments we promised ourselves we'd never forget with be tossed away with all the algebra problems and history dates crammed into our brains year after year. We wont remember who dated who; who were best friends and who were enemies; who took who to prom, or any of the things we spent countless instances overreacting about. Maybe most of these trivial things are better left forgotten. Maybe others are better left without wondering "what if?" Take a second to thing of all the things you never said in high school. All the people you wish you we're brave enough to confront, whether good or bad. Now think of what you would say if you had the ability to do it over again. What would you say? Now, i have a different question: Whats stopping you? In one week, you may never see that person again. What do you have to lose? This is your chance. Tell someone you've been hurt. Apologize to those you have wronged. Tell someone what they mean to you. Tell another you wish youd meant more. Tell yourself that you are good enough. Tell someone you miss them. Dont leave that church with wondering "what if?" Find out. You have the rest of your life to worry about regret, and only a few more years of being young, stupid and reckless. For once in my life, Im ready to take a risk, and i pray to God someone will take one with me. Here goes nothing:


To the boy who was only a friend: 

I really liked you and I wish you had never outgrown me. I hate that every look between us is filled with things we wish we could say, all drowned out by the drone of our mutual stubbornness. If im being honest, I hate that we can stand two feet away from each other and never exchange more than a glance. I hate that those glances are not the usual "look away immediately" glances, but that each one is like a small silent conversation. I hate that when you look at me Its as If you're saying 'I'm sorry.' I hate knowing I may never hear you say it, that I may never get to say it back. I hate that i know the answers, yet wont believe them until i hear you say them. I hate that this could all be in my head. I hate that I spend so much time wondering how your entire family knows my name, but I've never been introduced. I hate that i spent so much time trying to be your kind of beautiful, and left myself behind in the process. I can't stand when they call you by a different name. It may be yours, but the difference between him and you is astounding. I want that kid back. The one I called a friend, not a stranger. But I'm beginning to see now, if you were meant to show up on my doorstep, I would've found you there long ago. So I guess to answer our unasked question. Yes, I miss you. I really do.

To the best friend who became less:
I was wrong and I'm sorry. For a moment I was the friend I didnt want to be. I snuck around and let the emotions build up until things ended in a way i would have never wished. But if I'm being honest, and i know you feel the same way, our friendship wasnt built to last. We weren't heathy for each other in the end. But please know, i dont regret any of our friendship. You were there for me when my world was crumbling around me. You were the one solid thing in my life for many years. God placed you in my life because you were who i needed during that time. We were two completely different people, but we relied on each other because we were all we had to hold on to. We really were best friends. I will never forget the times we laughed until we couldnt breathe, the nights we stayed up late talking about anything and everything. But times change, and we had done what God needed us to do in each others lives. We had our time together, but we were headed in different ways. We needed space and time to grow, something that should have never happened with bitterness. Im sorry for the way we let things end. I hope that your life becomes what youve always wished it would be. And, I hope someday things will be better.  You were, and still are, one of the most wonderful people i've ever met, and i will always love you.



I've finally said what I've always held back. Now its your turn. Will you join me?

Here's hoping,
Parker



inspired by: Taylor Swift's "Speak Now"

p.s. if you guess any of the people mentioned, please keep it to yourself. my purpose is to speak up without the intention to embarrass anyone.
thank you for reading and understanding :)


People who have taken the chance to "Speak Now":

www.peaceloveprayer.blogspot.com
post name: "i just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above."

http://thestainedglassmasquerade.blogspot.com/

takeariskmakeachange.blogspot.com/

I Unapologize...

There is no questioning that my experience in high school has be full of life lessons. I've learned that you can't please everyone, respect earned isn't always acknowledged, and that, in the words of Dr. Gregory House, everybody lies. But one of the most important things I've come to know is to never apologize for anything that comes from your heart. Tonight, I caught myself breaking this rule. I told a friend I was sorry for being honest about something, but the truth is, I'm not sorry at all. In fact, I'm sorry i apologized. I was worried and reacted as a worried friend would. I did what I would want someone to do if I were in the same situation. But as soon I said i was sorry, i broke one of my own most important beliefs: "I love you and I'm sorry should never be said unless you mean them." You see, "I'm sorry" is a unique phrase, a unique emotion. Its unique in the fact that no matter how many times you say you're sorry for something you aren't, it will never be true. It will be completely empty, a waste of breath. Tonight, I pledge to follow my own rule as best I can. I'll do my best to think every word through, not to say anything I would be sorry for later. I'll keep the phrase for when its needed, for when i screw up. So, here's to a life without empty apologies, a life full of unregreted honesty.

Post Title from: "Unapologize" - Carrie Underwood

Think before you speak...

"The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world"
- Georgia Harkness 

GOD calls on us to be loving and understanding. Who a person supports or loves is not for earthly judgment. The Bible tells us the people who deserve to be judged will face their judgement day just as everyone else will. So for the time being, who are we to judge who gets into heaven?

Take a second to think before you speak. There is a time and a place for your opinion. Believe it always in your heart. Often that is the best place to keep it. Share it when the worry is sincere, not when it is simply the opposite of what you believe. This is when God's love is overshadowed by human nature. It is his place to convict, not ours. 

We see that not everything is what it seems...

I cannot help but stare at the pinpricked floor of heaven and thank God for the little lights his kingdom shines through its holes. It is a rare occurrence to see the stars as I see them tonight, without the veil of streetlights and nightlife. Looking at them now, I see that nothing has ever worn a more false façade. They are no longer the bright white I have seen before. They begin to reveal a spectrum of color unseen and unimaginable. Some radiate of emerald, of sapphire, of ruby, and gold. For the first time I see that the smallest are among the most magnificent. I begin to realize that the brightest stars are often but a streak of light that radiates from what no longer exists. I see that the biggest of breakdowns explode with beauty incomprehensible to our jaded minds. Knowing His hand has placed each, I covet their ability to obey, to remain just as he created them, and I fall to my knees in awe of the one who created this. Created me.

I was only looking out for her...

You keep thinking this is for the better
But you couldn't look her on the eye and tell her you don't love her
Shell forever be the one who got away
And you'll be the only one left to Blame

You must be blind...

When a relationship ends, there is often a point when things have gone too far. Sometimes, people go too far in what they say. Other times, people go too far with what they do to themselves. For the past few months, I've watched a friend pretend that she was not hurting when she saw him. That it didnt make her sick to her stomach when she made jokes about him. But everyone could see that she wasn't as ok as she promised.
It was natural to want to make herself seem like everything was fine, that she couldnt care less. In fact, often acting this way helps you to actually feel ok with the situation. But more times than not, these emotions got wrapped up in things she wished she hadn't done. She apologized time and time again. And time and time again she repeated the same mistakes.  Then one day she came to realize she was done trying. She began to allow herself to believe the little things she did were childish, no matter how good she pretended they felt at the time. She began to see that, subconsciously, she always wished he would hear or see the things she did; she wished he would see that she was getting along just fine without him. That she only held on to avoid saying good-bye. But, she finally saw that no matter what she did, nothing would ever be the same. He would go on with his life, just as she would go on with hers. Unfortunately, the pain set in for a time, knowing that the person she once deeply cared about must not be a part of her life. But little by little, she is becoming whole again. The bruises are beginning to heal and the scars are beginning to fade. 
After a while, she found herself going days without thinking about him and her stomach wouldn't drop at the sound of his name.But, of course, she knows there will always be something to evoke a memory. The way he held her hand or the smell of his shirt. But now, she will look back on those memories without anger. And though her scars are permanent, she will wear them everyday knowing that they are a part of who she is. While she has to rid herself of the bad memories, she is beginning to see they don't have to take the good with them. It doesn't matter who he is today or what he is doing, because the person she knew was real in that moment. 
She fell for someone who turned into a stranger. She fell hard and was left to pick herself up. And, she knows why she did the things she did, said the things she said. Because they were easy. It was easy to pretend and say "i hate you," because nothing is scarier than the truth when you feel unwanted. The once beautiful, simple vulnerability she felt in his presence became terrifying. She shut down in fear of rejection. 
But she chose to change this. She wrote her feelings in a letter he will never read. Said prayers so personal that no one but God could bear to hear. Prayers that for the first time were not for his sake but for her own. And now, no matter how many times he comes to tear her down, she recalls the man she knew. The man that was more real to her than any she had ever know. And, tonight while he lies awake, she will sleep knowing the truth he refuses to believe.

Just a little bit of sun is all you need...

I'm currently sitting outside in shorts and a t shirt in january. Guess this is God way of showing that even in the midst of darkness and cold, you can always find a little sunshine :)

so many dreams, so many plans

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It came today, and it changed everything. I sit here tonight, not being able to sleep because my mind wont shut off. But this time is isnt because of stress or fear. I am completely happy. Today, I received an acceptance letter to the college of my dreams.

Its beginning to hit me. All my life, Ive dreamed of living in Nashville. My heart is in that city. Everything is music. I belong there. Until now, it seemed so distant. Ive always said "When i get to Nashville..." Well that future is the present. In less than a year I will be living on my own. in nashville. I will step foot on campus knowing no one and if im being honest, i am terrified. All the little voices keep telling me that time is ticking away and soon i will have to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is the last thing I want to do. But at the same time, I know this is where i am supposed to go. I will leave all my friends to pursue what I've always dreamed of.

I know it sounds cliche, but now is the time. I will take every second of the next few months and make the best of it. I will create memories. I will let the ones i love know that i love them. Forgive the ones who have hurt me. Admit my wrong doings. Open my mind, but always guard my heart. Theres not much time left in this little town. Before I know it, this little girl will be headed to the big city...


Post Title from: a hannah montanna song i cant remember the name of (please dont judge me :) )

So this is the internet?

Its amazing how far we've come. Even since I've been alive. We've gone from writing in personal journals, to writing our feelings for the world to see. So i guess this becomes my online diary. Ive decided to take this as an opportunity to write the things Im too afraid to speak; to say what others are afraid to say. But tonight, I will take my first blog to be honest about myself.

My name is Parker and I am 17 years old. For obvious reasons i will try to keep my location private. God is my strength and music is my passion. Everything in my life revolves around those two things... and well school. I found God in 2005 and my life has never been the same. I do my very best to make Him the basis of everything I do. Writing has been a part of my life as long as i can remember. I write songs and play guitar. I hope one day to live in Nashville and make a career of my music. I have a youtube channel. I love country music more than any person should. I know, I know, but go ahead and judge me. I am not a morning person. At all. Seriously wake me up before 10 A.M. and you might lose an arm. I say up until all hours of the night. I enjoy spending time alone. I cannot go to sleep without making my bed first. Celebrity gossip is my guilty please. I love anything remotely romantic. Even the cheesiest love stories you could think of. I wish people cared enough about what i was doing to update a twitter. I spend entirely too much time on the computer. I wear WAY too many bracelets every day. I love fashion and makeup. My style is very different from the usual in my town. I come from a blended family; my dad, my brother, me, my mom her husband and his two daughters. I am a middle child. I am close to my parents. I look exactly like my dad. I always overload myself. I am currently the president of a club, play the guitar in a worship band, actively participate in Student Government Association, a member of the BETA club and taking AP and advanced courses. Yeah. I am a little crazy, but i enjoy being busy. I am guarded. I have been through depression. I have come out stronger than I couldve ever imagined because of God. I love my friends more than they will ever know. They are the first true ones I've had in a while. I will NEVER be the one to make the first move. I am traditional that way. I have never been in love, never been in a relationship. But i still believe there is love to be shared. I am confident in who I am, though I may never fully know who that is. I am done settling. With me, what you see is not always what you get.

Well for now, that is all I will tell you. I pledge to make this blog into something special. But I do not mean special for those who read it (if anyone ever does). Writing is part of who I am. I will use it share a piece of me. I want to plant just one footprint in this place before I have to leave it. Take this journey with me. Heres to the rest of my life, whether it is blog-worthy or not.